Originally published in Heartland site on 17 November 2002.
The following dialogue occurred between me and a Dharma fellow on Heartland. With his permissions, I have posted his question and my replies, in order to share our discussion. As with all teachings and discussions, use your wisdom and insight accordingly.
By the way, I am also a Buddhist and have been questioning myself about this matter. From your website, I feel more enlightened reading the articles, thank you. I am not very sure whether I am gay or bi, rather confused. Since in our society today, homosexuality is gaining acceptance, I am also beginning to question it relating to Buddhism. Kelvin, I would like to ask you this question, whether it is allowed in Buddhism to have gay sex when you and your partner are not legally attached ? Thank you
You said that your are a Buddhist, good for you! However, it is important that you ask yourself what makes you a Buddhist. What are the basic Buddhist teachings? Do you understand them? It is important for you to find these answers, for they will help you in your daily life and in your times of confusion!
It is okay whether one is gay or bi or whatever. What is most important is to be true to yourself and to others. So don’t worry too much about that okay?
On your question of being legally attached. In Buddhist teachings, marriage is not a necessity. It only serves as a ceremony in societies to recognized the status of 2 person (or maybe more in some societies). That is why, it is not common for Buddhist monks to preside over wedding ceremonies vs Christian weddings.
Hence in a lot of ways, there are no such things as being “legally attached or married” in Buddhist teachings, it is only a societal ceremony.
The context of your question tends to likely fall into the category of “sexual misconduct”, a popular precept people like to use when dealing with gay sex. One of the 5 precepts of lay Buddhist is to avoid sexual misconduct. Most people would interpret that as have sexual activities with the wrong being (a minor, animal, etc) , at the wrong place, wrong time and wrong body parts. Then they would define wrong body parts as places like mouth, anus, etc. Adultery, rape and sex with animals and minors are considered sexual misconduct, of course.
We must understand that Buddhist teachings is very much an alive teaching, that means, the teachings adapts to the society, culture and even persons. So the basic teaching of avoiding sexual misconduct had been expanded on and adapted for different cultures, etc. Somehow, humans tend to use those adaptation wholesale and import them into their own culture, without changing the context. (very much like how a lot of human rights activists like to define human rights based on their society and culture.) That is what caused much confusion and panic when it comes to sexual misconduct especially for the sexual minorities like gays, bi and lesbians.
To set the record straight, the basis of sexual misconduct is to prevent harming or causing harm to others through sexual activities. As such, gay sex by itself is not a sexual misconduct because it occurs between 2 consenting adults and does not involve harming others. It has the same status as straight sex, no difference.
However, if one is “attached” to someone (that is a commitment of a single sex and life partner had been made) and have sex with other (without the lover’s knowledge, nor approval), then it can be considered as a sexual misconduct. Why, because it is consider an act of deceiving the partner. Again, this also applies to straight married couples.
So you see, in Buddhist teachings, sex is just that. There are no distinction between gay sex, bi sex, transgender sex or straight sex. The distinction comes in whether there are intentions to cause harm to others and oneself.
However, although this can mean that orgies (with knowing parties), promiscious sex, etc are not technically sexual misconduct, that can increase desires and attachments for sex and blinds one from the proper path. Strong desires and attachments can bring a person to commit unskillful actions and thus cause harm to others and to oneself (as in contracting AIDS)
So, in whatever we do, always be aware of our situation. Moderation is a good way… the middle path.
You have said that sex between 2 consenting adults is not wrong. How does Buddhism views pre-marital sex ? And is gay sex pre-marital sex ?
As I have said in the last email, Buddhist teachings does not take marriage as “sacred” or a religious obligation . Hence, there are technically no “pre-marital”.
Also we have to define properly what is pre-marital sex. I think the conventional way of defining it is sex before marriage, that is, having sex with a person before getting married to the person. Maybe the couple is in a relationship and intends to get married and they have sex before the official thing. I think this is what people define pre-marital sex as.
Of couse, some people will define it as any sex before a person gets married. In this case, or even the former, then gay sex is always “pre-marital” because the 2 guys will never get married in our current society.
As I have said, there are technically no “pre-marital” sex in Buddhist teachings. This only exists in context of the society and culture. In a society where marriage is not part of the culture, then where is “pre-marital”?
What we can look at then is responsibility. In following a Buddhist path, every action we do should not be harming others or we avoid harming them. Same situation with sex. I guess to a Buddhist, sex should be accompanied by responsibility and promotion of well-being for each other and others, something not very easy to do for gay people.
In Buddhist teachings, there is nothing wrong with sex or money. It is our attachments to sex (and money, etc) and strong desires for them that is the problem. Sex can be good if we use it skillful, just as money does. If 2 responsible person have sex (gay or straight), it is just that.. SEX.
Sex is not a focus in Buddhism, because it is has similar status as other functions of our emotions and body, like hunger, anger and happiness. However, a Buddhist monk did describe sex as a popupine going into a rat hole, easy to go in, very very difficult to go out.
Once we are caught up by sex, a lot of unskillful actions can follow and as such bad karma is created.
Metta
Kelvin Wong
Well written! I agree that sex is sex regardless whether it’s between male/female,male/male or female/female as long as it does’nt cause harm to others.
Example,a gay couple chooses to practice monogamy compared to a str8 guy who is attached/married but has concubines and flings…it’s obvious which relationship is the right one.
“If 2 responsible person have sex (gay or straight), it is just that.. SEX.”
I second that.
Ee Meng